One more thing--it seems that there are intermittent postings from people who are looking to capitalize on other people's misfortune.  I refer in particular to one person from Africa who is repenting having engaged in internet fraud schemes and asking help in getting started again.  I wish I weren't such a skeptic, but I am.  I'm sure you all get emails every day from persons who promise large sums of money for help in getting inheritances freed up from banks, etc.  Sometimes these people use names similar to your own.  All of them say that they got your name from someone else and heard that you are someone compassionate or willing to help.

Please don't fall for these scams--you know the old saying, "If it sounds too good to be true, it is!"  I've done alot of research and writing about these frauds--and some of the nicest people in the world have ended up being bilked out of thousands and thousands of dollars.  Some have even lost their lives in the process. 

Don't waste your time buying lottery tickets.  Don't pay fees to websites that promise to put you in touch with benevolent millionaires.  Please, everyone, be careful out there.  We're all in situations in which we are vulnerable, scared and tired--and that makes us such easy targets.

Caroline

I just joined this group yesterday, on a day when I felt like I had reached the end of my rope and the end of my world--but reading over everyone else's stories, I feel as if I had no right complaining.  It breaks my heart to see how much some people must endure, and I wish I were on the other end of the spectrum and able to help everyone out a little bit.

The truth is, folks, there are no benevolent millionaires out there who are going to help us bail out of our messy lives--but a counselor once told me that no matter how bad it gets, something always comes through for us in the end.  Maybe it's a forgotten refund for overpaying insurance, or a thoughtful check from a friend who wants to help, or maybe it's an unexpected job offer.  Maybe, just maybe, each of us has a marketable skill that suddenly comes to mind, just in time to ward off the wolf at the door.

I've been through some bad situations in my life--nothing as bad as this, but still, darned close--and I've seen that the above really IS true.  Something has a way of happening at the last minute.  Perhaps it's God.  Perhaps it's the strength of our own human spirit that suddenly leaps into action, fueled by adrenalin.

Of course, the jury is still out on my own situation--and it remains to be seen what miracle is going to take place to get me and the children out of this jam we're in.  My ex husband called this morning for the first time in weeks and said something about meeting tonight--I know it's probably  just to talk about money and what to do about filing taxes before April 15th, but in my heart of heart, I am hoping he's had enough time to reconsider reconciliation.

Right now, today, I need your thoughts, your prayers, your guidance.  I don't want to go meet him with fear or anger in my heart--that will only drive me to say things that are guaranteed to put him off.  Nor do I want to go meet him in a la-dee-dah mode, as if saying, "Everything's FINE without you," because that isn't the truth either.

Sometimes couples separate because the marriage truly isn't meant to be.  Other times, a separation can be a means by which they calm down, re-evaluate the situation, see what they are missing, and make a vow to try again. 

Any words of advice or help for me today as I count the hours til our meeting?  I'm a wreck!  And I swear, if I ever win a lottery or publish that novel I never seem to finish, I'll log on and personally come to the rescue of as many of you as I can--because it's in giving that we ultimately receive, isn't it?

Hi, Ekikaseven--Thank you for a sweet note.  No, I don't blame others, and perhaps my worst fault is my tendency to assume blame FOR others.  I think there has to be a careful balance...I'm not there yet. 

The hardest part is the sadness--and the worry.  They eat away at me sometimes, making me feel panicky.  I have found a wonderful counselor who gives me really reduced rates, and it's always strange how on the days I have to see her, I'm FINE.  It's sort of like taking a car that's making strange noises into the mechanic, where suddenly it ISN'T making noises anymore, and you feel foolish!

I think I can handle anything--except when the emotion overtakes me--the regret, the sorrow and most of all, the intense and unrelenting MISSING of my husband in my life.  Rich women can simply move--or redecorate and take out all the reminders of their ex.  But his "ghost" is everywhere, and it only makes the rest of the struggle harder to bear.  Worse, for some reason, I don't want to see any of my friends or family--as if somehow by retelling the tale and answering all their unanswerable questions, I'll have to relive the pain all over again.  I've explained to everyone my need to go "underground" for awhile--but then I'm not really underground, if I'm reaching out to total strangers.  Maybe it's emotionally safer. 

Anyway, as for the IRS, I'm afraid I'm already on a payment program--$250 a month, but it's barely chipping away at the amount owed, as the penalties and interest grow at nearly the same rate.  I've heard that once you've settled on a payment plan, you cannot renegotiate, nor can you even take your old tax forms to an accountant and have them redone, just in case you might have missed some loopholes.

How can I blame the government, when it's our taxes that pay for some of the "perks" of living in the US.  But I do think that the government taxes people disproportionately, and I don't think that little problem will ever be fixed without a miracle!

 Caroline

You must tell the renters the truth--they have been fair with you.  They will understand; everyone knows about the troubled real estate market, so you're in good company.   Give them an extra month free in the house until they can find a place.  That way, you'll feel you did everything you could.

I am glad you got out of an abusive relationship--I cannot think of anything more damaging to women than to suffer abuse, physical or mental.  Nothing chips away at a woman's self esteem faster, and without self-esteem, we women are living targets for further abuse in the future.   

If you do nothing else for yourself, get counseling--I am lucky enough to have found a counselor that takes only twenty dollars!  There are women's centers in many cities, that provide low-cost therapy.  Believe me, I know what abuse can do, as I was in an abusive relationship when I was very young.  The effects are lasting and far-reaching.  In an abusive relationship, we become convinced that we are truly to blame for the abuse, that this is all we deserve--and it isn't so. 

I wish you all the best!!!!

Thank you for your kind reply--it is a comfort to know that there are others out there in similar situations.  You are lucky you are so young--I was late to marriage and having children--can you believe I'm 53 and my youngest is only 12?!  When you're this age, you start thinking you're obsolete.

Are things going any better for you?  Thanks for your prayers--I'll return the favor!!

Eight weeks ago, my husband of three years decided he needed to separate from me and my three children from a former marriage.  He isn't a cad and I'm not a helpless victim--it took two of us to wreck this marriage, with a heavy dose of help from the IRS, to whom we are indebted up to our eyeballs. 

Unlike many couples in financial messes, we never ran up credit card bills or felt we needed luxury cars, a fancy house or any of the other shallow trimmings of life that so many middle-class folks do.  We lived simply and, for awhile, happily. 

The problem is that both of us work as consultants, so that taxes aren't deducted from our paychecks.  Smart, sensible people, of course, pay quarterly taxes in advance, but we never did -- we were always too strapped, paying off my own back taxes from years as an unemployed single mom, paying rent, utilities.  There was always a fresh new financial disaster waiting to claim our money.  The final blow was when our teenage son got into trouble with the law, and it cost us all of our savings to get him legal help.  We have been living from paycheck to paycheck ever since. 

There isn't enough room, nor would I even attempt, to bore you with all the details.  Suffice it to say that I acknowledge and accept the fact that I played a more significant role than he in damaging our marriage.  Instead of grasping the full seriousness of the situation, I hid my head in the sand and became angry with my husband for always being nervous and worried.  In the end, he simply despaired and left.

His leaving was a tremendous slap in the face for me, in so many ways--I have lost a man I truly loved and respected.  Though he helps us financially, there is less to share, as he now rents a small apartment for himself.  My ex husband, the father of my children, has not been able to pay child support in many months, as his business collapsed and he is desperately trying to find a way to salvage his own life.  I am struggling every day to work, to care for the children, to scrimp and save to try to make the bills and set aside a little something every week--but nothing I could save would dig us out of the pit we now find ourselves:  We still owe ten thousands dollars to the IRS and in two weeks, we'll have to face yet another tax bill we can't possibly meet.

We don't own our home--we rent.  The landlord was kind enough to reduce the rent by $200 a month, which helps, but only a little.  Moving would be out of the question--nor is there any place we can yet afford to go.

I've cut our grocery bills to the bare minimum (how much pasta can one family stand?), I've cut out cable TV, turned off the furnace, limited my kids' shower time--in short, looked everywhere for ways to reduce waste.

I have been seeing a counselor who gives me very reduced rates, bless her, in order to sort out the mess that is my life, to keep strong emotionally and spiritually, as I face a frightening new future alone.  However, even that is a luxury I will shortly have to forego.

I am most concerned about my children's emotional well-being.  They are devastated by the loss of their stepdad, who was far more important to them than he'd ever realize.  They are scared by the new financial difficulties and the way Mom's face always seems strained and tired.  Our house has lost its life. 

I am asking for help--but I don't even know what!  I need friendship, I need encouragement, I need prayers, I need good solid advice.  I need a forum through which I can "confess" my failings, forgive myself, move past the grief, continue the financial battle find hope for my future and that of my three wonderful children.